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Community Corner

MomsTalk: Levels of Independence 0-17

Nurturing Independence and Confidence

As our children grow and mature they require more freedom and responsibility.  Having a baby on your hip one moment, and then waving good-bye as they drive off to college seemingly the next can be hard on the parents. 

Jennifer Bargerstock, Falls Church resident (McLean school pyramid), married, with two sons and a daughter, two dogs, two cats.

From the minute the cord is cut, your child’s job is to become independent of you.

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I remember the days when I knew exactly how many steps my first 2-year-old would take away from me before rushing back, afraid of going too far and loosing his link to food, drink and comfort. I can also remember my surprise when the comfort level he felt with physical distance changed, and I was the one suffering separation anxiety.

Think about it,  the first word they use with clarity is “NO!” followed quickly by “MINE!” In other words, I am unique and separate from you. How you react to this normal development plays a large roll in how they will see the world and how they fit into it.

I ran an in-home childcare facility for five years while my kids were babies; I wanted that time with them. One of the hardest things with first time parents leaving their child, whether an infant or if they were enrolled in my “Mom’s Day Out” pre-school program, was the concern they felt when they  left their child with a caregiver. Admittedly, it was harder on the parents of infants staying full time in my care. Beyond being afraid that something would happen in their absence, they worried that the extended time their kids spent in someone elses’ care would somehow lessen the attachment to a parent.

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I would counsel my parents; children with many caring attachments with adults who know they can be safe without a parent hovering, tend to face the world without fear. I would reassure them, you choose a safe, happy environment where your child will get the best of care. You did a good job. Your child was born to separate from you, and you have found a safe and warm environment good for their development. Things won’t always be done “your way” and that’s okay. It will teach your child flexibility. I took my own advice, dropping my kids off at pre-school so they had outside experiences while I was home with the daycare kids. My kids walked into pre-school happily, waving good-bye with a smile.

It was a different story when they started at Longfellow Middle School, especially for my younger son. Middle school is unique. Kids are in different stages of being in flux, some more mature, some not at all.

I was a second semester transfer into Longfellow in 7th grade (1981) - all the other kids had struggled with lockers, finding classrooms, who to eat lunch with, at the beginning of the year. They were all experts while I had never had a locker at St. Johns. It was a tougher adjustment than I had imagined. It was so much of an adjustment that I thought my kids starting Longfellow was a much bigger deal than starting pre-school was previously!

Let your children know they are safe and will be taken care of when they are not with you. You have chosen well, and being nervous or anxious will just let your child sense that you are not confident in their environment. Whether it is pre-school, a tour of Italy or the first time they drive away on their own, don’t second guess your decision at the last minute. Even if you don’t say anything, they will feel your worry and wonder if they will be okay.

You can’t prevent every accident, predict every risk. You can feel confident that the teachers, coaches, parents, friends that you leave your child with will take care of them the best that they can. I was only present for two of my kids broken bones - the parents that were in charge of the carpools those days did everything I would have done when accidents happened (on soccer fields).

Give your kids the confidence to develop as they are naturally programmed to do. Have them walk confidently into the future.  They’ll come back to tell you all about it, unless they are between 13 and 15. Then they just come back to eat you out of house and home. They can’t talk with their mouths full.

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