Moms Chat: Starting Healthy Relationships Early

February is Teen Dating Violence and Awareness month. Often parents prefer to postpone talking with their kids about  dating as long as possible.

The CDC data shows that 72% of 8th and 9th graders reportedly “date”. “Hanging out”, opposite genders at birthday parties, community center dances, crushes, Facebook, email, etc. can all be forms of early dating. Portrayals of dating relationships appear more and more frequently in the various types of media children this age consume. Many of these portrayals are of unhealthy or unrealistic relationships.

Sadly, 1 in 4 teens  report verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from a dating partner each year . About 10% of students nationwide report being physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past 12 months.
 
Even children in the early elementary and preschool years can benefit from talking about how to be a good friend and what to do if they have a friendship that often leaves them feeling frustrated or unhappy. The type of relationships a child forms with friends of both sexes early on can set the stage for the types of friendships and dating relationships they will form as an older teenage and adult.

If we begin talking with our kids about the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships before they start dating , they can make healthier, safer choices when the time comes. There are many good online resources for parents to learn more:loveisrespect.org , thatsnotcool.com , breakthecycle.org are just a few.

McLean Patch Mom, Alison Senold, is a volunteer at Doorways for Women and Families. She recommends the Doorways for anyone wanting to learn more about the issues of teen dating violence or domestic violence.

The McLean Patch Mom’s are raising girls and boys that range in age from preschool to high school. Today ,two MPM’s share how they talk with their children about healthy relationships.

Alison  Senold, mother of two boys, ages 9 and 12.

When I bring up the subject of girls with my 9-year-old,  his reaction is usually  “huh?”. 

I know from other parents, that some kids in his class have been talking about boyfriends and girlfriends since second grade. 

On the other hand, I can talk with him about his relationships with his friends and classmates. He will often bring homes stories of playground conflicts, incidents of teasing (thankfully he is usually not involved), or other tales of classroom drama.

I find these conversations to be the best time to bring up the basics of a healthy relationship without it seeming to give a boring lecture. We can touch on things like respect, trust, kindness, imagining how the other person feels, etc., in the context of friendships. And when you think about it, what is a healthy romantic relationship, but a healthy friendship with some added “zing”.

My 12-year-old isn’t old enough to date, but he and most of his friends are starting to become interested in girls.  The TV shows they watch and the music they listen to are full of images of tween, teen and (sometimes alarmingly) adult dating/romantic relationships.  I can’t watch or listen to every song or show he is in to, but I do keep up with a lot of it. I often ask him what he thinks a particular song is about or what he thought about a particular episode of a show or movie he watched. That opens the door to lots of subjects –healthy vs. unhealthy relationships being just one.

I know he can’t learn everything he needs to know about having healthy dating relationships in one conversation, so I’ve tried to avoid sitting him down for a “big talk”. I worry that would overwhelm him and  he would want to stop talking about the issue altogether.

  I think of these tween years as the beginning of an ongoing conversation that is (I hope) going to last throughout his teens and maybe even into early adulthood.